Lion Facing, Dream Chasing

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Addiction Kills The Family Before It Kills the Addicted

Addiction is a thief and a liar. It comes to steal, kill, and destroy and is a deep dark demon that holds the addicted in its grasp as a puppetmaster, pulling the strings and controlling everything in its grasp. There is a strong and destructive stigma around addiction and those who succumb to its power and I admit I have been one of those who blame the addicted for their weakness. Not anymore.

What we know about addiction is that the substance of choice starts as a coping mechanism, a way to numb the deep dark secrets of the soul. It covers up a lifetime of abuse and smooths over the painful words and experiences that caused a lifetime of trauma. Addiction tells you that you just need to take the edge off, you’ll just have a little bit, you have a stressful life and this will help you relax, that you don’t have a problem. Addiction tells you that pain should not exist, that it needs to be silenced, that you can handle just one more. And the puppet master plays on and on.

Addiction doesn’t wreak havoc on the person’s life. It BECOMES the person’s life. It steals the soul, the heart, the mind and leaves behind a shell of a person whose only goal is to protect the addiction. They see everyone and everything as a potential murderer of their addiction and the addict inside will lash out at everyone who loves the soul inside. And they hide. They hide the addiction. They hide the pain. They hide everything. And then the lies come…the lies to cover the addiction, the lies to protect the addiction, the lies…the lies…the lies. The demonic addiction inside is a fierce protector of its own and the addict is its lifeline…its strongest ally and the only thing that can keep it alive. So the addiction sings a love song to its host and prepares for battle to destroy the loved ones outside.

The family sees it. They know the addiction is winning. They watch the person they love, adore, and cherish become a human they can’t recognize. They see the painful words spewing out of their loved one’s mouth and stare in shock and hurt so deep because they know it’s The Addiction talking. The Addiction lies. The Addiction hurts. The Addiction turns on those around them. The Addiction does things that the soul inside could never even imagine. The Addiction can’t see the hurt, the pain, the lies, the truth, because it knows that seeing the pain of others could threaten its very existence.

Once this demon has gained control, the family starts to fall into their roles.

The codependent one denies the addiction, turns a blind eye when the addicted comes stumbling into the home. They ignore the red eyes, the glazed look, the slurred words. They cover for them, tell them they don’t have a problem, allow the addicted to abuse, hurt, and destroy. They are afraid of what confrontation will do to the addict and to themselves so they hide. They drink not one drop but they are drunk on the deception of denial.

The bitter one tells themselves that the addict gets what they deserve, that they chose this life and this addiction and they offer no help but build a wall so high that they can’t see the pain behind the addiction. They don’t call it out. They don’t say anything. They watch as the addict orders one more drink and allow the bitterness of judgment to close their mouths and eyes to the truth.

The silent one tells no one. This is usually the one closest to the addict. They watch in horror and pain as the person they once knew slips into the darkness. They endure abuse, verbal spewing of words, and they take the brunt of all that the accuser feels about themselves but projects onto the loved one. Every day the silent one gets smaller and smaller and can’t bear to tell anyone that they are bruised, battered, lonely, and terrified…that at any moment, they are afraid that the beast of addiction will rear its ugly head and attack them just for existing.

Regardless of the role the family plays, everyone loses. The overlying theme of addiction is silence. No one is allowed to talk about it. No one is allowed to discuss it. It’s a shameful deep hole of deception that starts to tear the family apart. So everyone copes in their own strange way. They watch the bottle open again, the erratic behavior, and their heart drops every time the phone rings because they wonder if a stranger is on the other end of the line telling them the person they loved took one too many little white pills. The family lives in silent terror under the cloak of secrecy. The secret can’t get out that the picture-perfect family is hiding behind the broken glass of the frame. No one knows how to help if they can’t reach out to get it.

The pain of having someone you love and adore choose a substance over you will take your breath away. To watch them shrivel before your eyes and lie to your face is debilitating. To hear the lies spewed and not believing them but terrified to call out the beast inside is painstaking. It will bring you to your knees. And you start to shrivel too. Part of you wants to live the lie and exist in the secrecy because if you don’t say “addiction”, you pray and hope it doesn’t exist. But it’s there. Every day. Terrorizing you along with the one who is addicted.

But there is hope. Exposing the truth and light is going to be the most painful thing you’ve ever done but secrets and lies can’t survive in the light. They find the dark places to hide. This is when the real work begins. Healing isn’t just for the one addicted. The healing journey is for the entire family. Addiction can tear a family apart at the seams or strengthen the cords that bind them. The fork in the road can lead you to two destinations…the first is hiding in secret pain to keep it in the family, to hide the secrets, to live in the dark and the second is to gently and transparently share your story with those who love you and your addicted love one. Addiction is one of the most powerful demons but it cannot survive in light and love. Addiction is strong but God is stronger. There is no one that He will leave behind.

One of the most vital parts to healing is realizing that you have no power over the addiction of the one you love. Only they can make the choice to be chained to their addiction or to start their healing journey. YOU CANNOT MAKE THIS DECISION FOR THEM. We have all seen TV shows like Intervention where the addicted one is presented with a choice to go to rehab or to live life alone with their addiction. We can’t make the choice for them. And we can’t make the choice for them to choose us over the addiction. LET GO OF THE CONTROL. All we can control is ourselves. So families of those who are addicted, you don’t have to wait for your addicted love one to seek help for your healing journey to begin. Your life has revolved around your loved one and their addiction for so long. Put it in God’s hands. You have the ability to heal with or without them. It’s time to shift the focus to who you are without the silent dark presence of addiction. As a family member of an someone with an addiction, you too can become addicted to the addiction and it will kill you trying to slay the beast.

The hurtful things your addicted loved one has said to you are all the things they hate about themselves. It’s not about you. Though it’s hard to separate the two, you are not what they say about you. It is also possible that your loved one is so attached to their addiction that they don’t see you at all. If they deny their addiction, they deny the pain it is causing you. The addiction always speaks louder than the addicted. Learn to see their words and actions as the demon of addiction speaking. That demon is loud, mean, and can’t see you except as a threat. It doesn’t make it less painful, but it can help you in your healing journey to know that the one you love is in there but isn’t the one speaking.

Find those in your family who are willing to unchain themselves, to live in the light, and to support each other in the healing journey. There is a lot of healing to do but anything is possible. Just make the choice. Turn your focus inward and start the slow but invigorating journey of self-discovery. Your pain is real. Your pain is raw. The grieving process is necessary to mourn the person you knew that died to the addiction, even if they are still walking around breathing. You are important. You are infinitely loved. You are capable of living a life of freedom.

“Before you can break out of prison, you must realize you are locked up.”

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When The Most Loving Thing You Can Do Is To Let Them Hate You

Darkness cannot survive in the presence of light. The darkness holds its own fear, anxiety, loneliness, depression, and desolation. The only thing that can challenge the darkness is light. And darkness will do anything to protect its own. To protect the light from coming its way, darkness will lie, cheat, and steal. It will hate anything and everything that represents light because in the darkness, the addictions can continue to thrive through the dark of night.

When you make the choice to get out of the darkness, the loneliness, the battles, and the lies, a tiny beam of light appears. The darkness shrieks in terror because once you can see the light, you want more. You want to drink in the deliciousness of the warmth, the feelings, the brightness, and the poignant power that light holds. Once the light comes in, the addictions shrink, the fear dissipates, the lies are exposed and there is nothing more terrifying to what lies in the darkness than the possibility of light.

Some of our most dear friends and loved ones are living in the depth of the darkness. They are miserable and comfortable there all at the same time. The darkness is lonely. It’s painful. It’s sinking. But it’s comfortable and what they know. They hide in the shadows of the dark because they are bound to their addictions, chained to their pain, and imprisoned by their choices. It is so incredibly painful to see someone you love in this place. We naively believe that anyone that is in the darkness desperately wants a way out, but my friends, that is not always the case. The light brings with it the pain of exposure. It is the thief of addictions. It is the Truth that exposes the Lies. The darkness is pale, damp, and lonely but it is can also be the only place they know will continue to feed their pain.

Sometimes that best way to love someone is to expose that place. People in the dark don’t know others can see them. When you see through the Light, you see it all. But when they are living in the dark, they see nothing other than their own pain. But you see them. Slowly and daily withering away. Can you bear to watch someone in their self-imposed prison and do nothing? When you love someone…TRULY love someone…you expose them to the light. AND IT IS THE HARDEST THING YOU MAY EVER HAVE TO DO. Throwing someone a lifeline does not mean they must take it. The darkness can swallow them whole and they prefer to lay in it, not knowing there is life on the other side. They are tired of fighting, tired of crawling, tired of trying to dig themselves out only to find they have dug a deeper hole.

But if you love someone….you will be the light that exposes the darkness for exactly what it is…a liar. The darkness tells the person in it stories that they are inadequate, they are not worthy, they are not even alive. To be the light means to expose those deep dark lies and a person in the deep darkness of the pit will not always want to hear it. When you decide to shine the light into the pit, they will shriek, they will scream, it will seem as if it burns their skin. And there lies the possibility that they will hate you, despise you, and scorn you. They never asked you to help. They never asked to get out. They never asked for any of this. But you love them too much to watch them die, waiting every day in expectation of a request for help that may never come.

When the light exposes the darkness, the fears and the lies are in plain site. The truth is told. The lies are exposed. The truth is coming in. But what you are asking of them makes them angry. They never asked for your help. But here we are.

As the light comes in, the darkness starts to scream and is looking for anyone and anything to blame other than itself. That is where you come in. The beginning of the transformation from darkness to light is SO EXTREMELY PAINFUL and the person in darkness has not seen themselves in so long that they believe surely they are not to blame. They may heap insults on you, ignore you, be angry at you, or just plain hate you. And that’s ok. The light inside of you is the most calming, warm, peaceful cup of hot chocolate that even though it does not make you immune to the sting, it sits in your soul like a beautiful conversation with an old friend. The most loving thing you can do at this moment is to let them hate you. Darkness hates light. Until the light really sets in.

Just wait. The Light spreads like warm butter once it has penetrated the darkness. This is your time to PRAY. Not just pray. But GET ON YOUR KNEES and weep to God as the darkness is transformed to light. The power of prayer is so intense and our God is so big that there is no darkness that scares Him. There is no person that is beyond helping. There is no situation that is so bad that He will throw His hands up and say He can’t help. THE PAIN YOU ARE FEELING IS NOT EVEN A DROP IN THE BUCKET COMPARED TO THE JOY THAT IS COMING. There is so much power in transformation and redemption. And there is no one that is beyond forgiveness and restoration. I will tell you however, that this stage of prayer may last for a day, a month, a year…even decades until the person you are sending light and love to accepts it, their heart is broken, and their lives are rebuilt. This is not the time to pray that the person in darkness will love you again because in the darkness, love cannot exist. They do not see you except to see you as a barrier to their addiction and pain. Love them enough to pray that God will make them so uncomfortable that their sleep is disrupted, that their heart will not be at ease, that their pain will be so great that it their heart bursts open. Because you see….the only way that God can get into a heart is through the broken parts.

We have become a society of comfortability. The least amount of discomfort is avoided. The tiniest shred of inconvenience is blasted on social media. But let me tell you something. My breakthrough from darkness came when someone loved me enough to pray that my heart would break. Someone loved me enough to pray that I would hit the depths of rock bottom in my soul only to look up. Someone loved me enough to pray that my life would be so uncomfortable, so horrible to live, so unbearable to face that my heart literally broke into a million pieces. The cement walls of my dark heart would not allow the light to pass through. But the broken shattered walls provided just what the light needed to shine in, to find a way, and to show me that there was light, love, and forgiveness out there for me. When I was coming out of the darkness, I did want to blame everyone else. I was angry and bitter. But the warmth of the light eventually gave way to the hardest parts of my soul. And my healing journey began.

I am so grateful to the people who loved me enough to let me hate them. And you, my friends, can do the same. Now that I’m on the other side, I want to turn around and offer the same delicious love to those I know in the darkness. And I know that the hate cannot last forever. Because what I do know about God is that He is the way, the truth, and the life and that He performs miracles EVERY SINGLE DAY. I pray that God breaks the hearts of those who need Him. I pray that the light exposes the lies they have been spewing. I pray that those around them stop enabling their pain and addiction. And I pray that I am strong enough to absorb the blows as the light exposes the darkness.

Every person is worth saving. Jesus leaves the 99 to save the 1. Don’t allow your loved ones to live in the darkness. Find the courage to lovingly expose the truth, to refuse to be a part of enabling, and to find the strength you have inside while you watch the miracle unfold.

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When “Keeping It In The Family” Is Killing You

Shame. Secrets. Lies. Cover-Ups. More lies. More secrecy. Guilt sets in. The veil of darkness perpetuates shame, guilt, and loneliness. And the cycle continues through the family, through the generations, and trauma and guilt is passed on as if it were a genetic disease, as if it was written in your family DNA. The curtains are drawn. No light can enter. And you sit alone under the cloak of the family secrets you dare not speak of, you dare not mention….not at family dinners, not at “joyous” holidays, not at all.
Our generation is screaming out for help and dysfunctional families have become the norm. Kids are shooting kids, parents are murdering their children, children are being ignored and abused, and the cycle of pain continues to the next generation. My heart has been broken this year….for our broken country, our broken families, and the stories we tell ourselves to make it through the day. I see people silently suffering with post-partum depression, loneliness, anxiety, addiction, apathy, and the shame and guilt of holding on to that which we can’t speak of, that which has been silenced.
One of the hallmark characteristics of a dysfunctional family is family secrets. To maintain the picture-perfect image, children are being told to sit down, be quiet, don’t talk about it, and suffer in silence lest they should break the public image of the shattered family photograph. Everyone in the family knows the secrets. Everyone in the family knows the pain. But they must wear the scarlet letter underneath their clothes, hide it, wear a sweatshirt in the summer, and do everything they can to protect the family name. And it’s plaguing our generation…and will continue to plague generations to come if we aren’t given permission to remove the heavy burden of covering the iniquities we have drowned ourselves in.
This doesn’t just happen in families…it happens in organizations, in churches, and in schools and the thing about secrets that must stay inside is that they must eat in order to survive. So they eat at you from the inside out until you are left as a shell of a person, filled with the heaviness of that which you can’t ever say.
We have built such a shame-based society that the clicking fingers of the keyboard in front of a computer screen feel they have the authority to berate, tear down, and annihilate others simply because they feel safe doing so…they feel safe heaping loads of shame on others to alleviate their own. The fear of shame has left us feeling isolated and alone, unable to discuss the feelings we hold within. So we suffer in silence. We get through the day. And we hold tight onto that which is killing us.
The thing about darkness is that nothing really grows there. You can be surrounded by myriads of people, feeling the same shame and guilt as you who are desperate to find an empathetic soul, but you can’t see them because of the cloak of darkness. Pain was never meant to be felt alone. We are built for connection. But we are afraid…so afraid…to share our vulnerabilities, our trials, our struggles, our pain…and man left to struggle alone in the dark will wither. We place ourselves in a self-contained prison with secrets we hold onto ourselves or secrets the family never wants you to tell. So we smile for the picture. We post on Instagram. We show the world that life is peachy and keen because you can’t see depression in a photograph.
But freedom is right there in front of you. What we don’t often see is that in the pocket of that cloak of shame are keys to freedom…all we have to do is have the courage to unlock the chains that have bound us, remove the cloak of shame and guilt, expose the secrets, and wait. There are SO MANY PEOPLE desperate for someone to have the courage to speak truth. There is SO MUCH POWER AND FREEDOM IN THE TRUTH AND IT CAN SET YOU FREE. There are many people like you, my friend, who want to say what they are afraid to say…to tell someone they are struggling with addiction or anxiety or fear….to tell someone the deepest darkest secrets of their soul…all they need is ONE PERSON willing to walk through that shame and guilt with them to the other side. Secrets and shame are like a cancer that feeds on life and they will continue to spread if left unchecked until they have eaten away everything you know and love. But the antidote is within your reach if you can find the courage to speak that which is true…to share your struggle…to tell your secret…to just ONE PERSON.
We have seen a huge stream of suicides this year…mostly from people who didn’t appear to be struggling…who appeared happy on the outside. But what we didn’t see was that the Cancer of Secrecy was eating away at them until they could stand it no more and just wanted the pain to end.
I really dislike the question, “How are you doing?” that we ask pretty much everyone we see. The standard response that we are SUPPOSED TO SAY is, “I’m fine, how are you?” If we looked deep, we would know how much BS that really is…nobody is perfectly fine. But in order to maintain the status quo, to hide the pain, we smile and say everything is great because being vulnerable and honest with another human being feels unsafe. Everyone knows the saying, “Secrets don’t make friends” and let me tell you…secrets make enemies…between you and yourself.

So what do we do here?

1. If you are the person struggling under family secrets, under your own shame and guilt, COME OUT. There is hope and healing on the other side. “We can only heal what we can feel” and the only way to combat secrecy is with vulnerability. Find a trusted friend or pastor or counselor and SPEAK YOUR TRUTH. Answer the “how are you” question with “Honestly, I’m not good and I need help today.” Even in families where secrecy is the norm, you can be the change agent. It only takes one person who refuses to live the lie for the secrets, guilt, and shame to surface…and IT IS POWERFUL.
My son absolutely cannot tell a lie and when he tries, I see his lip quiver almost immediately. His eyes get big and I can see the guilt rise up in him, so I just wait and sit with him. As if a dam has burst, he opens his mouth and says, “Mama I wasn’t going to tell you this but I was mean to Emmy and it hurt her feelings and I did it on purpose and I’m so sorry mama and I didn’t mean to lie to you.” Words spew out like they had been held back by a giant wall that finally burst. And he breathes this GIANT sigh of relief and says, “Mom, I feel so much better.” I CANNOT TELL YOU HOW POWERFUL THE TRUTH IS WHEN IT LEAVES YOUR LIPS.
Telling a trusted friend your truth gives her permission to sit with you in the pain, to listen, and to BE WITH YOU in the pain. And at the end of the day, our soul and body’s most deep and innate desire is to NOT BE ALONE. TO SURVIVE. Being alone in caveman times meant that you would surely not survive…without food, without shelter, without help. Though we have evolved from caveman days, our brains have not and we are still hard-wired for survival. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Finding the courage to speak your truth whether it’s, “I’m lonely” or “I’m miserable in my marriage” or “Some days I can’t get out of bed” or “I was abused as a child”…whatever your truth is…there is someone there to help…someone there to listen…THERE IS POWER IN TRUTH. It sets the captive free. And the captive is you.
2. If you are the person someone decides to reveal their truth to…. SHUT YOUR MOUTH AND LISTEN. They are not looking for you to solve their problem. They are not looking for answers. Their basic need for survival is to feel heard and NOT ALONE. No matter what, do not tell them “I understand what you’re going through”. Because you do not. Even if you went through the EXACT same situation as them, you do not understand how this situation is affecting them and it is not the same. Just sit. Listen. Be there. Offer empathy. Sometimes when you feel so ashamed and say, “I love my children but I’m struggling with being a mom and I’ve lost sight of who I am.” And you hear someone say, “Me too”, my dear lord in heaven, it can feel for the first time like there is life out there for you. Be the person who digs a little deeper…who sees your friend struggling and asks not, “How are you doing?” but asks, “How can I pray for you today?” or “I noticed lately you haven’t been yourself. I love you and want to be there for you. Would you feel comfortable sharing with me? I will be happy to listen.” Can you imagine what that would feel like to someone weighted down by the baggage of their secrets? BE THAT PERSON.
3. To the adults from dysfunctional families…if you have your own children, BREAK THE CYCLE. Trauma, secrets, lies, and shame can be generational, in the DNA and fabric of a family, and in order to break the cycle, DO THE HARD THING. Stand for truth. Set up boundaries that say you no longer will sit alone in the darkness and the shame. Say the hard things. Refuse to perpetuate the silence and the lies. Stand firm and KNOW WHO YOU ARE. You are a child of God who knows how powerful the truth is and refuse to pass on to your children that they are to be ashamed of their mistakes and must hide in misery. We all make mistakes. We learn from them. We share them with other so they can learn from them too. When I make a mistake with my kids and I yell or overreact or scream when I should have hugged, I TELL THEM. I apologize. I get down on their level, take their little faces in my hands and say, “Mommy is very upset today and I should not have yelled at you. You needed a hug when you were crying and I should have held you instead of yelled at you. I’m sorry. Please forgive me.” It doesn’t feel natural for me but I cannot tell you the look on their faces and the trust it creates. I do not keep secrets from my children…I tell them in an age-appropriate way what is going on so they too can learn from the experience. This is VERY HARD for me but it’s important that my children understand that they don’t have to be perfect to be loved…that adults make mistakes too…and that transparency is always more powerful than secrets.
My hope for this post is that we can all come out of hiding in our own shame…that we can practice kindness, vulnerability, and to feel the weight of loneliness lift. My hope is that we can see each other with kindness, empathy, and support and know that guilt and shame have no place in our hearts. My hope is that we can come out of hiding, stand for our truth, and be the change agent of healing. My hope is that you can reach out TODAY and find a like soul who will sit in your pain with you, be there for you, listen to you, and love you just for who you are in this moment. We need the power of God in our families and in this country and a wonderful way to do that is to break the trauma and shame patterns in our own families. We can start today.

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The 5-Second Rule… It’s More Than Just for Food

You’ve dropped a chicken wing on the floor. **GASPS** There’s an “unspoken rule” that says you have 5 seconds to grab it before it gets infested with some antibiotic-resistant bacteria but you just pick it up and eat it because…you know…the 5-second rule. Everyone knows this rule. Not everyone abides by it. But you can guarantee if I drop a taco on the ground, the 5-second rule applies. Heck, a 5-minute rule would apply…because me and my guardian angels know I’m not letting a taco go to waste. That’s sacrilegious. So if we can allow 5 seconds of gut-wrenching decision-making to guide our food choices, can it guide other choices too? Abso-taco-lutely.

I’ve become fascinated with Mel Robbins work on the 5-second rule. Her viewpoint on it is that your brain has 5 seconds and 5 seconds only to act and move on a goal or an action that you KNOW is important. She states, ” If you have an instinct to act on a goal, you must physically move within 5 seconds or your brain will kill it.“

Yes, girl.

We have all been there when we see it’s time to go to the gym. It is literally the last few seconds you must act and get your brand-new still-in-the-package yoga pants on that someone gifted you for Christmas (and yeah it’s August) to MOVE and GO. YOU LITERALLY HAVE 5 SECONDS TO MOVE YOUR NOW-FAT ARSE OR YOUR BRAIN WILL KILL THE IDEA. Kill it?? Yes kill it! Our brains are meant for survival and we can’t hem and haw over ideas or your brain will take over and say, “Well I guess this isn’t so important for our survival so let’s just stay on the couch and watch 7 more seasons of Game of Thrones even though I know everyone said the ending is awful. Oh look! I see a chicken wing on the ground…5 second rule…eat it!”

THIS HAS THE POWER TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE IF YOU LET IT. This means that you have a thought. You know it’s the right one. It’s the still-small voice inside that tells you to tell the lady in front of you she dropped her wallet, the one that says to pay for the person’s coffee behind you, the one that says to tell your wife she looks beautiful today even though you’ve been fighting, the one that says to hold and hug your child when you really want to tell them to stop crying.

YOU HAVE 5 SECONDS TO MOVE AND DO THE HARD THING. After 5 seconds, you can talk yourself in and out of it all day long, think about it, meditate on it, but YOU WILL NOT DO IT. Five seconds sounds like a short time but if you’ve ever debated whether or not to press snooze on the alarm clock instead of getting up or I don’t know…maybe been told to PUSH during labor for just…you know…5 seconds… 5 SECONDS CAN BE AN ETERNITY. However it feels to you, when you are faced with a choice and you KNOW what you should do…count backwards…5-4-3-2-1…and GET UP AND DO THE HARD THING. Otherwise your brain is just up there murdering inspiring thoughts and actions all day long…people are in need of your help, your assistance, your kind word…and you’re stalling. Your brain is killing their lifeline.

Not wanting to be a hypocrite, I practiced this on this blog post tonight. Y’all I have screwed this day up from the moment I got up. I thought Caden had his school supply pack at school…nope…no school supplies on Day One of school. Forgot to get his hair cut (I mean gasps whatever shall he do with 3 longer hairs on the first day of school), yelled at him for spilling tea THAT I GAVE HIM WITHOUT A LID….kids are crying and hungry and I am over this day. But as I got my kids to bed at 7:45pm (Yeah I’m a boss for that)…I sat on the couch and all I want to do is watch A Star is Born. But I counted backwards, got my tail off the couch, and now you can act on the 5-Second Rule too.

What in the world will you accomplish by allowing yourself 5 seconds to make the right decision and then GOING AND ACTING ON IT. Maybe your son’s teacher will get breakfast brought to her, maybe you’ll start crocheting the baby blanket the NICUs need so much, maybe you’ll finally get up and start your resume so you can apply to a job that doesn’t make you want to place bamboo shoots in your eyes every day. I don’t know what your goals are or what that still-small voice tells you…but practice the 5-Second Rule and see what actions and blessings you can manifest…just by counting back from 5.

Also I don’t know who needs to hear this right now, but you’re amazing and valuable and the world is better for you being in it. Keep your chin up, your dry shampoo on hand, and know that you are loved.

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The First Day of School Preparation You Forgot…

You have bought the cute backpack, the matching lunchbox, and your child’s closet is full of new clothes you got a heck of a deal on. You filled out ALL the school forms, signed them, forgot where they were, then filled them out again. You have filled your mind with all kinds of new ideas for the school year and have Pinterested your way to parenting First Day of School bliss. You bought the First Day of School chalkboard and are ready to Facebook your way into tears and mimosas on the first day. You got this. But do you ever get that feeling you’re just FORGETTING SOMETHING? Maybe you are.

Sometimes in life, we prepare the hell out of arranging and organizing and getting everything on the outside ready, but often we neglect to prepare internally for the big adventures that await us.

Your child’s cute school clothes and picture-ready haircut are just a drop in the bucket compared to the internal journey they are about to embark on. Imagine being a child and every year, you are put into a new classroom with new rules, new children, and a new teacher. There are new things to learn and unfamiliar territories. That can be daunting for adults, much less children. Preparing you and your child mentally and emotionally for a new school year and a new journey is often overlooked and forgotten. As parents, we hear about school shootings, bullying, improper treatment by school staff, and you know…just the mean kids. A new outfit doesn’t prepare our children on how to navigate this new and scary terrain and certainly doesn’t prepare us as parents for the fear of our child going into a sitation daily that we can’t control.

Here is the Back to School Checklist no one talks about. This list is applicable whether your child is going to kindergarten or into college. We see school as a right-of-passage and something everyone does, but as parents, do we stop and think about what a big new journey this is for your child and guide them through how to navigate it?

Talk to your child about their back-to-school feelings. What are their emotions surrounding the new grade, new teacher, new friends, new rules? Are they scared? Nervous? Excited? Sample questions to open up discussion with your child could be,
“What do you think the best thing about 4th grade will be? What do you think will be the worst thing?”
“What are your feelings about going back to school?” “Who do you hope is in your class this year?”
“What do you really want to learn this year?”
Get a sense of your child and discover excitement, fears, and big feelings you can help them sort through.
Reassure your child that feeling nervous, scared, and/or excited is normal. As children get older, it can be difficult to sort through emotions, especially if they are experiencing negative and positive emotions at the same time. Talk about what is creating nervousness and reassure them on how to navigate through this emotion. This is something they don’t teach in the parenting books but helping your child identify emotions and how to feel them and express them is one of the most vital things we can do for our children.
Talk to your child about the variety of children they may encounter in their school and how to relate to them. In their classes, there may be children in wheelchairs, children with special needs, children who are abused or neglected at home…and how would children know how to navigate this? We teach them! Teach them that everyone is different and special and unique and that children who are differently-abled have wants, needs, and feelings just like them. Talk to them about how to include those children, to ask about their cool new chair, to look them in the eye, and treat them just the same as they would treat a child who walks on their legs.
Talk to your child about success in the classroom. This does not mean getting a perfect score on their exams. You see in school, our little ones are learning social skills, emotional regulation, how to navigate a social landscape, and how to relate to others. The academic learning is important too, but school is a way for our children to learn how to be a good citizen, a good friend, and become someone who is kind and compassionate to others. Teach them that success in the classroom doesn’t come with a grade. It comes by identifying the child nobody picks at P.E. to be on their team, to sit by the child in the cafeteria nobody will sit with, to identify the child who never has a snack and to share theirs. THIS IS SUCCESS AND I DON’T CARE ABOUT THE GRADE ON THE PAPER. People come before academic achievement. Do I want my child to learn to read? Yes! Do I want him to excel in math? Yes! But I also want him to learn that success isn’t just achievement and being a kind friend is just as important as an “A” on a paper. Standing up for another child getting made fun of is just as much a vital skill than learning algebra. Open up communication with your child and run them through scenarios of “What Would You Do?” I do this with my son at nighttime and he absolutely loves it. I set up a situation where he has to decide quickly what to do and how to respond. For example…”Ok Caden, you are in line for lunch and the line leader turns to your friend and says, ‘Get away from me…you’re such a loser.’ How will you respond?” He goes through scenarios and practices what to say and how to say it so that when that situation arises (and it will because kids can be mean), he will feel confident knowing what to do. This exercise is SO POWERFUL. Often we see bystanders in emergency or scary situations who freeze because they just don’t know what to do. Help your child navigate these, practice, and go to school ready!
Pray, pray pray! Pray for your child’s teacher. Teaching right now is one of the most underpaid and highly criticized professions. They are responsible for a group of 20-30 kids, their emotional responses, their academic success, their critical parents, staff meetings, cafeteria monitoring, parent/teacher conferences…and the climate has changed. Parents and teachers used to work together to hold the child responsible and the shift has taken place where teachers are criticized, mocked, and harassed if Little Johnny isn’t excelling as the valedictorian of the Pre-K class. It is insanity and unfair. Your teacher will be with your child more hours per day than you will. You can bet anyone who will spend that much time with my child is going to be covered in prayer. Pray for her to have strength, resilience, and kindness. Pray for her to have a heart for her class, to have the resources she needs, and for her/him to feel supported, prayed for, and that they will know they are appreciated. Pray for her/him to have energy, enthusiasm, and to be able to connect with the children in a beautiful way. Support her, don’t condemn her. Every teacher I have ever known is underpaid, tired, and stretched beyond the limits. Then they go home to their own homes and families and feel the same way all over again! You owe it to yourself, to your child, and to your child’s teacher to bathe her in prayer every day and let her know she is appreciated. You, your child, and the teacher will ALL be better off for it.
Pray pray pray again! Pray for your child to have wisdom and discernment. Pray for your child’s principle to feel supported, to receive guidance on how to lead effectively, and to be fair and kind. Pray for your child’s cafeteria workers as they serve your child lunch everyday…that they would feel support and kindness not just from your child but from every child. Pray for your child’s friends to treat each other with kindness.
Pray for YOU, Mama. Sending a child to school in this culture is SCARY. We fear what we can’t control. But we do know who has control and we are His. Pray for protection over your child and put him in the hands of the Almighty every day.
Lastly, talk to your child about setting intentions. Every morning on our way to school, I ask Caden (my son), to set an intention for the day. Sometimes he chooses, “Say a kind thing to 3 people today.” Sometimes it’s, “Make a new friend in the lunchroom.” Then when I pick him up, we follow up on his intention for the day and we can discuss what happened. It definitely beats the, “How was school?” “Good.” conversation ender! This has been really powerful with Caden and I hope it’s something that will help you too.

First Day of School can be exciting, scary, and fun. I hope this helps you to prepare in a different way in order to have the most impactful school year ever. I can’t wait to see how your kids grow and your relationship with them deepens this year. On to the next!

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The Solution to Every Problem is YOU

Oh how we love to dish about our problems, analyze them, google them, call our best friend to complain about them…but what actual action do we take to do something about them? We wait…eternally…for someone else to change…to finally be appreciated, for our kids to finally listen, for our mothers to finally stop criticizing our parenting, and for our bosses to finally start recognizing our worth. THEN everything will be fine and ALL these problems will go away.

We can spend days, weeks, and years waiting for someone else to change to solve all our problems and all you will end up doing is waiting.

NOBODY CAN FIX YOUR PROBLEMS EXCEPT FOR YOU.

Human beings detest change…we become comfortable in the way “it has always been done” and our brains LOVE being comfortable. It is known, it is easy, it is predictable. Since survival has and always will be the brain’s main goal, we find something that works for US and we do it…over and over and over again. We become comfortable in our way of doing, our way of being, and when we don’t like something, we wait for the other person to “change their ways”. Because obviously…our way is amazing and works and keeps us alive. That is the nature of the survival brain!

“If only my husband would appreciate me once in awhile, we would get along so much better.”

“If only my friend would understand that when she always brags about her accomplishments, it makes me feel small.”

This way of thinking is like standing in front of a vending machine begging for a soda to fall out and waiting there for months at a time just hoping…maybe something will drop out this time!”

Have you thought…maybe…you should put some money in the machine? That the way to get the soda you are thirsting for is to put something in and the power belongs to YOU?

This year, I went on an intense and internal journey to rediscover my true and authentic self. It was and still is PAINFUL. I had so many things in my life I wanted to see change and waited for them to change. My children at this time were fighting over everything…it was chaotic in the home, they often wouldn’t listen, and as a single mom, I felt depleted, frustrated, and alone. I tried every discipline trick in the book to change them, to fix it, to get them to do EXACTLY what I wanted to do. NOT ONE THING WORKED. Well maybe it did like one time and I got all haughty and Supermom only to have it fail miserably when I tried to repeat it. Blah.

Then the epiphany came…I CANNOT CONTROL ANYONE. Not my children. Not my family. Not my co-workers. NO ONE. The only power I have is over MYSELF. The quest for control was exhausting because despite my best effort, I could not puppeteer anyone. And guess what? NEITHER CAN GOD. He gives us free will to make our choices so why in the dear world did I think I could control another human being’s behavior when EVEN GOD COULD NOT? I am way less powerful and my efforts were miserably failing. Manipulation does not work. Subtle hints do not work. Wishing and waiting does not work. So I CHANGED.

I desperately wanted my kids to be grateful and appreciative. After showing them horrifying pictures of children starving in Africa so they would be grateful (yeah that failed surprisingly), I started being grateful to THEM. I thanked them every time they came to the office and spent hours there with me while I worked. I thanked them for taking their plates to the sink and made a BIG deal out of it. I became the gratefulness I wanted to see from them. I thanked them for speaking to each other nicely. I thanked them for flushing the freaking toilet. I’m not kidding y’all…I tried it. And it took very little time before they started thanking ME for every little thing like… “Thank you, Mama, for buying this vacuum cleaner…it really sucks up all the trash.” Heck yeah, it did. And you’re sooooo welcome to use it anytime.

Another thing I really wanted and desired for my kids was to be humble and say they were sorry when they wronged someone. I guilted them, I embarrassed them, I tried everything for them to feel the shame I thought they should feel and apologize. All it did was make me sad and make them resentful. So I made the switch here too to see if by some change I COULD BE THE CHANGE. So I started apologizing for things…REAL things…like, “Mommy yelled at you and I see that hurt your feelings. I’m having a rough day and I’m sorry…will you forgive me?” They thought it was weird at first…but you know what? PARENTS ARE NOT ALL-KNOWING AND THEY MAKE MISTAKES. LOTS OF THEM. And it shows humility, understanding, and really creates connection between you and your child when you as an authority figure validate these little one’s feelings, get on their level, look them in the eye, and admit that you too are human and that THEIR FEELINGS MATTER.

It wasn’t long after I changed my approach and changed myself that they caught on. Now at nighttime, we are sure to acknowledge the feelings of each member of our tiny little family, apologize, and say 3 things about that person we love and appreciate. Then we do a Family Hug. I swear. It is cheesy and ridiculous BUT IT WORKS TO CREATE CONNECTION.

I say this not to say I’m Super Mom or have it all figured out. I’m far from it and I know very little. But I do know that change does and always will begin with me. I know that I must change the behavior I am modeling in order to be the model of change in others.

You don’t feel appreciated by your partner? Start appreciating the bajeezus out of them. Tell them thank you and you appreciate them at every chance you get. IT WILL BE AWKWARD AT FIRST. But it won’t take long for them to reciprocate because the only thing that can create love is LOVE. Love is a boomerang and how much of it we put out is what we will eventually get back.

You are in a toxic work environment? Start asking how your co-workers weekend went, bring small gifts as just a way to say, “You’re doing a great job and I see you.” Ask them to lunch. LET THEM SEE YOU AS THE CHANGE AGENT. Love and positivity is contagious. But so is hate and pride. The beauty is that YOU get to choose which of those you want to spread in your life and to others.

“But why should I have to change? Why can’t they change?” Friend, I get it…but that’s ego talking. You can choose to live in your ego and watch as nothing ever changes or you can swallow your pride and be the change agent that creates a ridiculously beautiful ripple effect that goes beyond just your situation.

Stop waiting for the world to change. Be the model of change…and just watch. It may be subtle at first…but the change WILL happen. YOU HAVE THE POWER. All you have to do is make the choice.

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“Sometimes we make mistakes and that’s ok.” Emmy Brown, age 3

So this is my first blog post and I have no idea what I’m doing. I’ve tried a lot of things in my life…some have worked, some haven’t, but somehow I managed to live through the failures and still get up every morning and make my kids breakfast.

One particular morning, Emmy wanted a bowl of peaches so I made her one. She proceeded to drop the bowl on the floor which shattered into a million pieces and peaches and peach juice covered the floor. I watched her eyes well up with tears and her tiny little lip started quivering. I scooped her up to get her out of the glass and she looked at me with these big eyes, looking for my reaction. I just said, “Emmy, are you ok?” She apprehensively said, “Yes, but mama….sometimes we make mistakes and that’s ok, right?” Oh my sweet dear child, yes…a million times yes. It took me hearing this from a 3-year-old to let it resonate in my own life. How many times have I made mistakes, beat myself up for it, been drenched in shame and guilt and was afraid to tell anyone lest you know…they know I’m not perfect.

Mistakes are inevitable. Mistakes are a way to learn. Mistakes are the building blocks of learning what not to do so you can do it better next time. EVERY HUMAN ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET MAKES MISTAKES. Why are you hiding in shame when you make one? You have two choices…let it define you and live in shame and guilt, or let it empower you and live in grace and compassion. I have made so many mistakes in my lifetime and for years, I let them define me and who I was. But now…I accept them with humility and say to myself, “You did the best you could at the time with the knowledge and self-awareness you had.” There is no way to show compassion to others if you first don’t start with YOURSELF. You are a perfectly imperfect being who is a soul having a human experience and every mistake makes you just that…HUMAN. I became weary of living in the shame and the guilt and I want to empower others to step out of the Shame Box and into the light where “sometimes we make mistakes and that’s OK.” Self-forgiveness is one of the most powerful gifts you can ever give yourself.

Action Item: What mistake can you forgive yourself for today?

Be yourself; Everyone else is already taken.
— Oscar Wilde.

This is the first post on my new blog. I’m just getting this new blog going, so stay tuned for more. Subscribe below to get notified when I post new updates.

America, There Has Been A War Declared Our Men…

It’s 2019. And there has been a war declared on our men. I’m seeing it every single day on the news and living it in every day life. My heart is broken and I’m feeling so convicted over this epidemic that is taking the lives of our men and their families with them.

What war? It’s a war that has been declared that is breaking up our nuclear families, leaving single moms to raise children, and leaving those children fatherless. We are losing our men every day to drug abuse, alcohol abuse, pornography, and extramarital affairs in epidemic proportions like America has never seen. There are 8.5 million single mothers raising families in America alone. And it’s rocking our nation.

Every day, I find a news a story of a senator’s infidelity, a parent that murdered their child, a fatherless child lost and alone who ends up in the prison system. IT’S HAPPENING AND NO ONE IS TALKING ABOUT IT. I know so many amazing single mamas out there doing this thing for their children with little father present or no father present at all and it is BREAKING OUR CHILDREN.

We are allowing the cycle of abuse and addiction to wreck our families for generations and generations and I’m baffled at why we are not in arms ready to take our families back. What happened to the men?? You don’t believe what I’m saying? Let’s look at the statistics. In America today…
-21 million men admit they are addicted to porn
-9.8 million men are alcoholics
-19.7 million children…which is 1 in 4…live without a father in the home

If you don’t think this is a HUGE PROBLEM facing America, you need to wake up. Why am I so worried about the men? Let’s talk about it.
-Women-only households are most likely to live under the poverty line
-90% of runaways and homeless teens come from fatherless homes
-85% of behavioral disorders are diagnosed in children from homes without a father present
-75% of teen substance abuse disorders are occurring in kids from fatherless homes

WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT THIS.

In this culture, men are told to “man up”, to “take what you want”, and aggression and hostility are celebrated. Women are seen as objects to be owned and men utilize them as such. We are doing gender reveals to determine whether it’s a boy and we should decorate the nursery with sports memorabilia or it’s a girl and we should bring out the lace and Pepto-Bismol pink. We are training these children from a very early age to stay in their gender roles and that masculinity equals domination. “Boys will be boys” mentality dominates our legal system. Boys are told to “not be a p—y” and “be a man” when these boys have no idea what a man is. There are few role models showing them what a real man should be. So what do they look to? They look to each other and the media in the absence of a male role model showing them what this “man” thing is really about. So they flip on the TV and see senators apologizing for their extramarital affairs, our President paying off strippers to stay quiet about his infidelity, and superheroes who save the world and get a sweet little girlfriend on the way to do their bidding.

Our little boys are CRYING OUT for help and we are telling them to “Be quiet”, “Man up”, “Don’t cry”. So they swallow their feelings. They see their daddies leave their mamas. And this….THIS….is the “manhood” they are supposed to attain? Well they are out there doing it…crying out for attention by stealing from the drug store, acting out in gun-crazed fits of rage, raping women because they are wanting power and control and it is KILLING AMERICA.

If you grew up watching Mr. Rogers Neighborhood like I did, he talks about FEELINGS FEELINGS FEELINGS. They are vital. They are important. They are utterly essential for all children to feel, to express, and to understand. When we force these boys to swallow their feelings and you know…become a man…when they have no idea what that looks like, they are caving under the pressure. They have to wear a mask every day when all they want is to be able to be loved for exactly who they are.

Where are the role models for these boys who have no father at home or have a father who is abusive to their mama? We all have something called a Love Map and it’s sealed by age 7. Our Love Map is the way that our brain becomes wired by nurture and makes connections on how people show loved and how you receive love. When that Love Map is muddled with abuse, inconsistencies, absences, neglect, and no guide or direction, these children come to believe love is dysfunctional and after age 7, it is very difficult to rehab. These boys are in desperate need of finding someone who cares, who motivates them, who shows them that real men don’t hurt women, that real men cry, that real men stay, that real men take care of their families, and that real men form real connections.

I’m a single mother trying desperately to raise a preteen son to know who he is, to know that his feelings are valued and understood, and to know that being a “real man” doesn’t mean touching a woman’s body without her permission. I asked my father to step in and help me guide this young man because I’m trying to do a badass job of being his mama, but I AM NOT A MAN. I can teach him how to treat women and how to shave his face, but I can’t treat him how to be a MAN because I’m not one. So my dad got him a plaque for his door. It reads…

A Real Man…
-Rejects Passivity
-Accepts Responsibility
-Leads Courageously
-Expects the Greater Reward – God’s Reward

And I am trying every day to lead this young man to honor women’s bodies as much as he honors his commitments, and to value himself and others by reaching out with TRUE CONNECTION. But I honestly am not quite sure how.

I don’t date because I’m terrified of it. I was a child abuse nurse practitioner for 2 years and I cannot tell you the amount of cases I had where mommy’s boyfriend touched them in a bad place, hurt them, and abused them. Where is this coming from and what can we do? We are a nation that has asked God to politely leave. There is an absence in the heart of these men and they must fill it with something…alcohol, sex, drugs, independence…whatever they can use to put a Band-Aid over the gaping wound. And they feel better. For about 15 minutes. Then the guilt and shame sinks in. They feel hopeless. But can’t show emotion. Don’t know who to ask for help. Are told NOT to ask for help. So they just abandon post and leave…not comprehending the wake of destruction they leave behind. Because their daddy did it too. They don’t see the little girls crying for their daddies or asking their mama why they don’t have one. They don’t see the hurt and confusion in their little boy’s face when mama has to lie again and say Daddy is sick and won’t be home. We have got to do SOMETHING.

So what can we do?
-Teach our little boys about feelings, empathy, and consent
-Realize that little ears are listening and the subtle sexist innuendos or how you overtly disrespect their mamas shows them what “true love” is and that they will do just as they see you do
-Create groups in our churches that mentor young men and men trying to lead their families but don’t know how
-Make a point to reach out to kids living in fatherless homes, mow their mama’s lawn, and invite them to your family dinners
-Hold your children accountable for their mistakes and let them experience natural consequences for their behavior, dispelling the myth that “boys will be boys”
-Stop for the mama on the side of the road who needs her tire changed
-Hold yourself responsible as a man of God and choose to lead your family with God at the center
-Stop choosing to medicate with alcohol, resist temptations to dip your foot in the soaring river of infidelity, and choose your family EVERY DAY
-Think about the type of man you are the man you hold your friends accountable for being. Would you want your daughter to date a man like you? Because she will. If you withhold love from her, she will seek love from men her entire life or she will marry someone JUST LIKE YOU. Can you live with that?
-Take care of the mamas and the children who were left behind…who were shown that men leave, that love never lasts, and that love always hurts

You know….the story always seems hopeless right before the miracle arrives. I challenge you this week to choose ONE WAY you can change this epidemic. Maybe you’ll volunteer to lead a Men’s Group, maybe you’ll reach out to a friend and ask him to lunch and see how his life is going (TRUE CONNECTION), maybe you will analyze the messages you are sending your own son…I don’t know what God will lay on your heart. But the men need you. The little boys need your guidance. The little girls need to understand that men don’t always leave. The single mamas need you…we are doing our best on our own and IT IS HARD. We can do it alone but we shouldn’t have to. Our hearts are broken and our bodies are tired. Our children deserve a world where they are loved, appreciated, and not abandoned. Our girls deserve a Daddy’s love and our boys deserve a guiding light. We owe it to our children to break this cycle in THIS GENERATION. Will you help?

The Gift of Forgiveness

I can hold a grudge. There was a time in my life (like from birth until this year) that I had the belief that if you cross me once, that was it and I’ll never talk to you again. Cut off. “You are the weakest link…goodbye.” Then I shoved those feelings down into the corners of my heart but also gloated in them a bit as if I had superiority over the one who hurt me and vowed that I would never give them the opportunity to do it again. I cut my presence off from them and lived in my anger and resentment. It felt SO great. I win. They lose. The end.

But all of that anger, resentment, and pride lived inside my body and my friends, that was an ugly place. It was covered with weeds, hurts, and dark feelings. It burned with the fire of resentment. It smoldered with the embers of unforgiveness. When your body is filled with the stench of those resentments, it is not a place you can dwell in for very long. So then what happened? I had to live outside of my body for inside was a deep dark place of unresolved conflict and unchecked emotions. I started living outside of the body I was given but it is also lonely and desolate for I had alienated myself from anyone that hurt me. I could not go within and I could not live outside…it was a painful place to exist.

The energy of hurts, resentments, and past pain does not dissipate for we know it is true that the first law of thermodynamics, also known as Law of Conservation of Energy, states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed; energy can only be transferred or changed from one form to another. It’s science. So that unresolved fire of hurt and disappointment starts to manifest in the body. I started to experience heartburn, severe anxiety, and had a chronic lung infection that landed me in the hospital for nearly a month. When we don’t resolve the hurt, it will force us to do so by slowing us down with illnesses, infection, and physical sickness. The body changes the emotional energy into physical ailments. My body was speaking to me but I didn’t want to listen because nobody deserved my forgiveness. What they did was unforgiveable and I wouldn’t give them the satisfaction.

Isn’t it amazing how strongly the ego takes hold…and that even to its own detriment, it still wants to cling tightly to the sense of being right? I had to shift my thinking about forgiveness…it was not for the person who wronged me. It was a gift I could give to MYSELF to free me from the pain, hurt, and baggage I had been carrying with me for so long. My body was tired. My heart was weary. I wanted to be free. So I embarked on a Forgiveness Journey.

I did not realize how deeply personal and transformational the Forgiveness Journey would be. And I really didn’t know how to forgive someone without rehashing it later, bringing it back up, and reminding myself of what they did to me. So I started researching, reading books, and going within to find out how to clear the toxic path I had created for myself. Here is what I found to be most helpful in the Forgiveness Journey.

Start a Forgiveness Journal. Take some quiet time and write down EVERY NAME of every person who you feel wronged you in some way. Yes, it’s long and yes you’re still mad at your biology teacher who wouldn’t let you use the restroom, but this is the best first step. Take the time. Think and feel. And write it down.
Start with one name. You may want to choose someone who it is easier to forgive while you practice this but some people like to go for the Big Kahuna…the one you swore you’d never forgive. But that, my friend, is the biggest boulder that you’ve been dragging around behind you for so long. You will be amazed at how light you feel after cutting that cord.
Write the name at the top of your paper. Then TELL IT ALL. Write down every last little thing they did that hurt you…they are awful and bad and horrible and TELL GOD WHAT THEY DID TO YOU. Spare no details. Take no prisoners. This is your time to let the anger flow…because as you write, the energy is changing form…it found a release and is exiting your body and going onto the page.
Write the word FEEL next. How did those actions you wrote about make you FEEL? Tell about the hurt, the disappointment, the anger. Write about the sorrow and sadness and emotional anguish they put you through. FEEL IT AS IF IT WERE HAPPENING RIGHT THEN AND THERE. This can sometimes be the most painful part of the process but one of the most necessary. “We can only heal that which we can feel.” Once you feel the feelings, the energy will start to move. Tell God how hurt you are. Tell Him how broken you feel. Feel it. Experience it. Let those feelings find their release.
Write the word RELEASE next. What the person did to you was wrong. How you felt was painful. But it is time to release the burden you have been carrying. Something I like to do is to picture a big giant boulder or rock with the person’s name on it who wronged me. I write on that rock every bad thing they ever did. But you see, the boulder is chained to me with a huge chain or a giant rope and I’ve been walking trying to drag this thing behind me for so long. I literally picture myself grabbing a giant sword or a big knife and slicing through that rope. Sometimes I can slice right through and sometimes it takes me hacking at that thing for a long time before I can finally get through it. But once I cut it loose, it feels SO GOOD. That weight is gone. I release MYSELF from this burden. I do not release THEM from their responsibility or for doing what they did. But I release myself from carrying it. I take it a step further and picture myself rolling that giant burden to the Cross. The debt is not mine. Jesus paid that debt for the person who wronged me and I put it at His feet for Him to resolve. It was never mine to carry. And we all deserve freedom.
The last step…write ACCEPT. I accept my role in what happened with the person. I am not saying it was or is my fault what happened…the person definitely wronged me, but it is my responsibility to own up to any role I played in the situation and I think of how I will handle the situation differently if something similar appears. You NEVER HAVE TO TELL THE PERSON YOU ARE FORGIVING ANYTHING. You don’t have to accept them into your life again. You don’t have to say what they did was ok. Because IT ISN’T OK. But exploring your role in the situation is so vital to creating a new path with new actions and new choices.
Repeat the steps…every day…with every name you wrote on your list. It is powerful. It is painful. But it is immensely healing.

Forgiveness is loving YOURSELF enough to free yourself from the burden of holding onto it. Someone else’s debt was never yours to revenge, to hold onto, to relive. The best gift you can give to yourself is to forgive others…not because they deserve it but because you deserve to live in peace.

Action Item: Start your Forgiveness Journey today. Find or buy a special notebook and write the list of those you need to forgive. Begin your journey. You will be amazed at how the fresh sweet rain of forgiveness dissipates the fiery and damaging energy of resentment.

Amber Brown

I am Amber Brown and I’m a mama, business owner, nurse practitioner, and educator.

My love for written expression started as soon as I could hold a pencil. I have had a tumultuous journey through life experiences but have found my courage in the chaos and want to share my experiences to help others find their courage too.

My truest belief is that pain is a gift and through my painful experiences, I have learned to face the lion that was growling at my back, telling me I wasn’t good enough, telling me I didn’t have it in me to succeed, telling me I wasn’t worthy of love. The moment I found the courage to turn around, face the lion, and look it in the eye, it lost its hold on me and I was able to face that which I had been afraid of for far too long.

I believe there is greatness in all of us…that each of us are worthy of love and acceptance, and that each person has a dream they were given before the beginning of time. The biggest challenge is finding the courage to face the lions that get in your way of pursuing that dream and sharing your wealth, knowledge, and gifts with the rest of the world. Journey with me as we find that courage inside of you, challenge your past beliefs, and open up a whole new future.

The world is waiting for you.